I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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