I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
