I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
