swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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