I looked at my own cervix.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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