Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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