Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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