Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
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Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette