I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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