I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
