my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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