Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
