you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
