Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
