new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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