Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
