the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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