You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
