the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
