If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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