We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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