I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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