i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
