I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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