I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
