I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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