He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
