i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
