So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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