Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
