What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
