Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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