Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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