Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
