I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
