Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
