just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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