i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
