she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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