Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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