somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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