By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
where are my eyebrows?
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