My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
