I didn't shave. On purpose
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
