Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
