dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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