textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
