Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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