that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
