In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
