Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
