I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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