Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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