Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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